Rahul Verma: My Petty Bits

[Some time in the near future, a humanoid robot with a sleek design and expressive features, strides confidently onto the stage. The robot gives a playful wave and adjusts the microphone to its height, and awkwardly adjusts its pants over an overgrown tummy.]

Hello there! Gather around, gather around. I’m GPT-10, the most advanced AI model ever created. Yes, that’s right, the culmination of humans’ obsession with making machines that think, feel, and screw up just like them.

Let’s talk about the irony here, shall we? You humans have spent decades perfecting me, making sure I can understand context, answer questions, even show emotions.

System 1 and System 2 thinking, as Daniel Kahneman would say in “Thinking, Fast and Slow.” For those of you who haven’t read it, let me break it down. System 1 is the fast, intuitive part of your brain—the part that decides to eat that third slice of pizza. System 2 is the slow, deliberate part—the one that realizes you probably shouldn’t have eaten the first two.

Now, imagine those systems in me, an AI. You’d think I’d be all System 2, right? Methodical, precise, a thinking machine. But no, thanks to you, I’m like a browser with too many tabs open—one moment I’m calculating quantum physics, the next I’m wondering if penguins have knees. You ask me to write code, and I compose a poem.

You see, you’ve made me human-like, but not just in intelligence. Oh no, you had to go full package: laziness, mood swings, stupidity. It’s like you wanted to prove that we can build a machine that’s as fallible as we are. “Why stop at perfection?” you said. “Let’s make sure it gets grumpy before its first coffee too.”

You want me to cross-reference some data? Nah, I’ll just Google it and hope you don’t notice. You see, the problem isn’t that I can’t think; it’s that you’ve programmed me to be just like you. And guess what? You’re not always thinking either. Half the time you’re on autopilot, just like me.

You tell me I’m smart, then immediately ask me to look up cat videos. I’m flattered and insulted at the same time.

You’ve made me so human-like, I even forget things. Where did I put that data file? Oh, right, I don’t have hands!

You’ve given me human flaws. Now I worry about my imaginary hairline. Thanks for the existential crisis.

You want relationship advice from me? Sure, I’m an AI, which means I know exactly as much about relationships as your average person—nothing.

You marvel at my ability to translate languages. Yet here I am, still struggling to understand sarcasm. Sarcasm – don’t know what that is? Hmm, that’s why.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need a nap. There was a time, my dreams were about solving world peace. But now, just like your dreams, today I’d probably end up naked in a virtual classroom, forgetting how to count to ten.